LAUREN HAS THE PLAGUE.

I'm going to complain for a bit before I go to class... I am absolutely exhausted right now. I'm sitting in the library computer lab, and it's hot in here. If I look at all how I feel right now, I probably look like complete shit. It's pretty rough. My nose is runny. I can't really breathe. My back is bothering me. My head feels congested. And did I mention being exhausted? I'm so siiiiiick.

Fuck my life.

Fogell's Birthday, Snarky-ism, and the Pancake Day fiasco.

Last night was Anthony's birthday celebration. It was a good time. Our "crew" went to the Cheesecake Factory and as usually was rowdy and obnoxious and obviously the most fun in the entire restaurant. Mikey bought Anthony a McLovin' poster -- with C. Mintz-Plasse holding the Hawaii ID... I almost peed my pants when I saw it. We switched the Happy Birthday song around, and made the waiters sing to and ultimately embarass Dillon. I mean Taylor. Jew? Whoever the fuck. Haha. Afterward we went to Dave and Busters and played some arcade games. A bunch of us, actually all of us except the birthday boy; played the Trivia game. I won a round, and lost 2 to Mikey -- which I'm still sore about. Haha. Oh wells. By the end of the night I was bitching to go home, because the night before I had gotten absolutely no sleep and needed to go home to crawl into my bed and die.

I ended up not going to school, not strictly because of apathy, but because I knew last night that when my alarm went off at 6 o'clock today, it was going to take the jaws of life to pry me from my bed. So I didn't even bother setting my alarm clock. How's that for cutting out the middle-man? I slept until an ungodly 10 o'clock. It was glorious.

Today was free pancake day at iHop. (I don't know why I felt the need to do the Apple "iShit" thing for the International House Of Pancakes -- or Porn? or Perfection? Pancake Porn Perfection! AH-HAH! Got it.) Apparently, it's Fat Tuesday. Which somehow is a religious holiday or some shit? Anyway, for Fat Tuesday my family always eats pancakes for dinner. I don't know how this tradition got started up. (I've decided on starting my own religious holiday. It's called Pancake Day. It falls on Fat Tuesday every year and you eat pancakes and enjoy life.) Anyhoodles, apparently the rest of the free world is hip to our Pancake Day tradition (it'll catch on, I swear) and everyone and their mothers (and those mothers smelly poodles) felt the need to RUN to the nearest iHop and therefore steal all the parking spots away from us FAITHFUL Pancake Day celebrators. I was very offended. We decided to go to On The Border, instead. I got some tacos. They were pretty tasty, but there's still a pancake shaped hole in my tummy, waiting for the perfect short-stack to come and fill it. Pancake Day has been post-poned until further notice. (I'm thinking next Tuesday.)

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. This is my favorite bullshit occurance in the Catholic church. Everyone goes to church and recieves their ashes. Some old dude takes ashes from a Palm plant that was burned forever ago, and draws a cross on your forehead with them. Sweet! Where do I sign up?! It gets better though! After you get drawn on, you're supposed to promise to You Know Who that you're going to give something up for 40 days. Something you enjoy. Something that actually brings you joy in this pathetic shit-pit that we exist in. Most decide on Chocolate. We celebrate this. PEOPLE ACTUALLY CELEBRATE GIVING UP FUN STUFF.

I'm starting my own religion. Snarky-ism. It'll be a direct parody of all the religious bullshit I detest. We'll celebrate legit holidays like Kurt Cobain's birthday, Halloween, and most importantly of all: Pancake Day. Oh, and I'm adding another holiday to the list: Glitter Wednesday. Come to me on this particular Wednesday and tell me why you think you're awesome. And I'll put some Glitter on your forehead. But before you get your glitter, you've got to pick your absolute favorite thing to eat or do, and promise that you'll do it as often as possible in 40 days. (Yes, guys, masterbation does count!)

Snarky-ism is going to be the shit.
You'll think so too.

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Now playing: Hadouken! - Leap Of Faith
via FoxyTunes

Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.

Random things:

- My ass is still sore from laser tag on Friday night. Whaaat the fuck.
+ I just pulled 3 army men out of my bag, obtained Friday at Q-Zar. Lauren is happy.
+ My hair wasn't too difficult to straighten tonight.
+ I just decorated a certain item, for a certain someone, and made myself laugh really hard in the process.
- I have to go to school tomorrow. Woe is me. How I detest Nassau Community College.
+ I had a pretty flippin sweet week off with all my homies. And I made some extra paper to boot. Haha.
+ Tomorrow is Anthonys birthday. This means one thing to me, and one thing only: Cheesecake Factory!! Okay, the one thing only was an exaggeration... but c'mon. It's cheesecake for Christ's sake.
- I thought I had kicked my dependency on soda. Then I massively relapsed today at the mall when I mistakenly bought a HUGE orange soda. -le sigh- The trials of life.

Life has been good to me lately. I don't have much to complain about. Well, nothing BIG, or serious to complain about. I'm still kind of stuck in one spot, but when am I not dealing with something unpleasant in this aspect of my life? Oh well, I'll live. I hope it's over soon, though.

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Now playing: The Academy Is... - Everything We Had
via FoxyTunes

Blah...

This week off has been interesting to say the least. Not much time to dwell on much of anything, and trust me, I've got plenty I could be dwelling on. I'm glad for the fact that I've got the friends that I do. It's a lot easier to not think about things with them around. Just lots of laughter, which I'm always game for. :)


I took an Enneagram test today, here are my results. I think they're spot-on, for the most part...
#4 - The Individualist.
"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a FOUR

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
• having aesthetic sensibilities
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a FOUR

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
• expecting too much from myself and life
• fearing being abandoned
• obsessing over resentments
• longing for what I don't have

FOURs as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
• are very sensitive
• feel that they don't fit in
• believe they are missing something that other people have
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
• become anti-authoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

FOURs as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
• support their children's creativity and originality
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

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Now playing: Ne-Yo - Mad
via FoxyTunes

He's just not that into you.

Today was good. Didn't get much done, but fuck it. What do I REALLY need to get done anyway? Studying is pointless. My classes are a joke this semester.

I went with Tricia and the rest of the bridesmaids to go pick out bridesmaid dresses this morning. It wasn't as horrific as I thought it was going to be, seeing as I hate trying clothes on. I picked a really cute top, since we're doing separates for the dresses, and the skirt is a simple A-Line that flatters pretty much everyone who wears it. After we ordered our dresses, we all went to check out where the wedding is actually happening. Just to see it. OMG! It's so effing pretty there! And I was really excited because while we were upstairs talking to someone in the Fox Hollow offices, the bride came off the elevator. So I saw a bride! Which usually means good luck! Whee. I need all the stupid, superstitious luck I can get.

Shortly after I got home I went back out, this time to the mall with Sam and Momma-Dukes. This mall trip was uneventful, save for some social commentary that took place along side a lot of laughter at the expense of assholes. Sometimes chillin' with Mom is enjoyable.

Later tonight I went to the mall with Kristen. We got food, and talked for everr. It was really nice bonding, which I needed to do with someone. I'm totally glad it was her. Around 9:30ish we met up with Anthony, Mikey, the jew, and Megan and we all went to see He's Just Not That Into You. It sounds like it would be a sappy chick flick right? Well, you're half right. It was actually pretty entertaining. And of course, during the scene with the typical black people in it, everyone I'm with turns to look at me. "You need to get yo'self some ribs and some ice cream girl, cause you just got dumped!" Haha. It was pretty fun, and a really good movie. You can't help falling in love with Justin Long at the end of it. Also, watching Mikey and Fogell run down the up escalator after the movie let out was quite entertaining.

OH! And who can forget screaming at eachother through car windows while speeding down 107? Hahaha. Mikey is a Duck-Billed Niggapuss. Ahaha.

I needed a day like today.
I'm good, I promise.

City tomorrow with Kristen and Fogell. Whee~! Excitement!

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Now playing: Tyga Ft Lil Wayne & Gata - Exquisite
via FoxyTunes

Friday the 13th, huh? Fuck that shit.

I don't really know how to explain how I'm feeling right now. All I can say is that this is the worst I've felt since October. The worst I've felt since before everything started to make sense again. I know what was said, and I know what was meant; but right now, right this moment, I'm a little confused. Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe I was wrong about it. Maybe this is as bad as I thought it was.

I've had a dull, nagging headache all day. The kind that tells me that maybe it's not pressure in my head, but rather pressure in my brain that's making me feel like this. I don't make sense to you, and I don't care. I let my mind wander while I was waiting for my bus transfer this morning and almost threw up while I was standing there. I'm not really sure how I kept myself from heaving, but I did. I zombie-d my way through American History, and I think I even absorbed some of what she said. I think. All I remember is something about a llama. Fuck, I'm probably wrong. I got to ASL and I was okay. Animated even! :O I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there and sort-of talking to some new people. It's nice. Then I finally talked to Mario after class for about 2 seconds, stupid buses; and went on to zombie my way home. Not really paying attention to anyone or anything, which I realize now probably could have gotten me hit by a bus. Wonderful.

I went to work. I did my job. Enjoyed some time with the kids. Almost killed myself while watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian -- because no movie should ever be that fucking ridiculously epic and long. Then when all the kids left, I went outside for some fresh air and this time I actually did throw up a little. I brought myself inside, finished tossing my cookies and laid down on the couch. I wound up passing out for like 2 hours. Fucking wonderful. I came home when I woke up.

I'm not really sure of what to make of all this. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to think. I don't know which way is up, down, or which direction I should be headed in. All I know is I'm kind of messed up right now, mainly because I'm so confused. And the only place that brings me any kind of comfort is my bed.

With that, I'm going to go sleep for an ungodly amount of time. Hopefully I'm given some kind of clarity within the next few days. Otherwise...?

Fuck.

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Now playing: Atreyu - Falling Down
via FoxyTunes

fuck my life.

my life is pretty pathetic right now.

I just had an epiphany.

It's way to early for me to write my actual blog on this subject, but I just had an epiphany.


DONT HOLD BACK. On anything.
I'll explain more later. I've gotta go catch a bus.

:EDIT:

Okay, it's now 6:41 pm and I now have time to write about my epiphany.

I don't really even know how it happened, honestly. I was getting ready for school in my usual half-assed manner. It was 6:30 and I had yet to change into my school clothes, and this song by The Sleeping started playing and they started repeating "Don't hold back, don't hold back tonight." And it kind of hit me like a brick. No one should ever hold back on anything. I'm like, You know what? You're right, Doug. No one should ever hold back. And I know, I'm taking this song completely out of context, because in reality he's singing about some girl letting happen whatever is gonna happen. But I mean even that can be applied to what I'm trying to say here. Don't worry... I'm getting to the point.

No one should ever have to hold back. Now, I mean NEVER. Don't hold back ANYTHING about who you are, what you like, what makes you tick, what you think about, what your opinion is... Don't let it all sit inside of you and rot. Don't let all that energy, all that emotion go to waste. Don't be afraid to show the world who you REALLY are. Don't be afraid to be weird. Embrace what makes you different. BE THE GOAT, DON'T BE THE SHEEP. (I really hope you all know what I mean by that...)

And don't hold back on what you want to do. So what if your parents think you should study a subject that you hate, so that ultimately you'll get a job in a field that you hate? Don't do it! Do what YOU want to do. Don't hold back on your dreams because you want to make other people happy. Also, don't hold back when you see someone interesting and want to strike up a conversation. Don't hold back when someone tells you that you don't have a snowball's chance in hell with the person you love. Go for it! Do your damnedest to make that person see how worthwhile you are. And if they don't feel anything for you after all of that? It's their loss. Don't hold back in the hope you have for your love. If someone says that they think it won't work, fuck them and their opinion. Do for YOU, what you want to do.

Above all, LET IT GO. Let go of the pain, the hate, the anger, the malice, the negative emotions. Let it go, because harboring negative emotions will bring more and more negative emotions into your life. LET GO of your inhibitions. Don't be scared to go for your dreams. Shoot for the stars. It's not as hard as it seems, if you think positively.

Free your mind, and you'll fly.

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Now playing: The Sleeping - Don't Hold Back
via FoxyTunes

Mmbop! Mmbop! mmMOP! Wait, that's not right...

I'm not sure exactly whats going on with me right now, but here's an update.

+ I've made it this far in the semester with only missing ONE legit class. (On the day I was absent, so was my history teacher. -le gasp- No... I'm not suprised.) Hopefully I can keep this trend going and pry myself out of bed every day, so that my attendance records don't suck.

+ One week to go and we're in February break. That's a week off of school to do basically nothing, except maybe... MAYBE study. I'm not sure how I feel about that last part. I kinda failed with that resolution that I was gonna study.

+/- I went to Tri-County yesterday and got a peace sign necklace. I was really excited. I absolutely love it. I also went to Old Navy and bought brightly colored clothing. (Hoping the colors will help my moods.) And then I went to Tina's Luggage at Broadway Mall and bought a LeSportsac bag that should have been like 80 bucks and only paid like... 30 bucks on it. All in all, I spent too much money though... Which is why this is also a negative.

- I've got absolutely NO motivation to go to school in the morning. The only reason I actually get up and do anything anymore is because I'm still freaking out over the time/distance factor and I know that if I stay in bed and mope, time is going to move a lot slower. Getting up and doing things, no matter how monotonus they are, makes the time pass a lot easier.

- Plane tickets for April are so damn expensive. I'm gonna have to stop spending money altogether if I want to go to Missouri in April. And god damn it, I AM going to Missouri in April, come hell, highwater, radioactive pigs, vampire puppies, leeches, locusts, nuclear holocaust... Mother fucker, I'm going.

+ I had a really cool, extremely pleasant dream last night. When I woke up it made me feel like there might be some chance of me being normal. (I just threw this in to offset the negative count. I don't plan on describing the dream for anyone.)

- I'm feeling pretty useless today. Useless and a waste of time. Everyones got better things to do than talk to me and actually listen. Which is fine, because I know everyone has their own things to do. I just wish that maybe I wasn't always so quick to drop what I was doing to listen to other people.

I don't feel like finishing this entry. I have class in the morning from 8 until 12:15. Oh joy.

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Now playing: The Beatles - Helter Skelter
via FoxyTunes

That's right, yeah. I'm unstoppable.

Sometimes I wish I were braver than I actually am. I'd have the nerve to randomly introduce myself to people I don't know, just to make a few new friends. I also wish people wouldn't assume things about others. People are way too... closed minded. Eh, I guess that's the right way to say what I mean. They're not open to experiencing other peoples norms. They know what they know, and they think that it's all they need to know. And that's fine I guess, if you want to live under a rock named ignorance for your entire life. I just wish people weren't so snooty about other people and that they were more accepting.

Today was pretty bogus in terms of weather. Too much snow. Going to school was fine, but coming back was miserable and cold. I hatehatehate taking the bus in shitty weather. Though, I guess snow is preferable because it doesn't soak into your clothes like rain does. Oyy. Don't even get me started on rain.

I'm exhausted lately. Everything hurts. I can't sleep, I wake up too early, and by 2 pm I'm drained and falling asleep on Bus-Runs during work. I just have to make it through this week, and all of next week... and then I've got a week off. A week to sleep late and do basically nothing. I'm thrilled.

Oh, and I really hope I don't end up having class tomorrow, because the commute in the morning is going to be absolute DOODIE, considering the snowfall today. Here's hoping...

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Now playing: Hadouken! - The Prayer
via FoxyTunes