...and i won't have to compete for attention.
...and i won't have to wonder about stuff.
...and i won't feel so shitty all the time because i'll be reassured.
...and things will get better.
...or will they?
what i'm trying to say is, i'm insecure.
reassurance is always nice.
it's nice to know you're loved.
but being TOLD that you're loved is something else entirely.
it's the best.
okay, im done.
sorry for the 2 in a day.
i promise you, i'm not crazy.
~L!
9/28/09
New Direction
i had an epiphany the other day. it was pretty big. make sure you're sitting, and holding onto something. but... I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. hahaha. i know, right? you're either not surprised at all, or completely shitting yourself with shock. but yeah, i have no clue what i want to do. i'm going on 3 years of college with NO direction. wasting SO much money because i'm indecisive. i just don't want to pick something random and end up hating my life because of it... you know?
i like art, but i know i'm not good enough to make a career out of it.
i like kids, but i'm not patient enough to deal with kids in a classroom setting.
i like the idea of being a doctor, but not the idea of the amount of schooling, and the expense.
i like the idea of being a sign language interpreter, but the training required also requires having a job with flexible hours, which i don't have and probably won't ever have.
what i'm thinking now is JOURNALISM. writing.
obviously, being one of the few people my age who still keeps an effing blog, it's apparent that i LIKE writing. i keep a journal book that i constantly write in. i've always done well in english classes. and when i'm actually TRYING, i'm pretty damn good at writing. so idk, it's something to try out. i could write for a magazine. or a news paper. probably a magazine though... i'm not politically correct enough for a newspaper.... UNLESS I WAS A COLUMNIST. HAHA. That would be wild.
but yeah. idk. i never know. which is sad. but maybe all this trying stuff out will be worth something when i finally find that perfect profession. then i'll be happy. and hopefully making good money. DOUBLE HAPPY! and yeah. we'll see about this Journalism stuff.
i have to pee.
later.
~L.
----------------
Now playing: Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
via FoxyTunes
i like art, but i know i'm not good enough to make a career out of it.
i like kids, but i'm not patient enough to deal with kids in a classroom setting.
i like the idea of being a doctor, but not the idea of the amount of schooling, and the expense.
i like the idea of being a sign language interpreter, but the training required also requires having a job with flexible hours, which i don't have and probably won't ever have.
what i'm thinking now is JOURNALISM. writing.
obviously, being one of the few people my age who still keeps an effing blog, it's apparent that i LIKE writing. i keep a journal book that i constantly write in. i've always done well in english classes. and when i'm actually TRYING, i'm pretty damn good at writing. so idk, it's something to try out. i could write for a magazine. or a news paper. probably a magazine though... i'm not politically correct enough for a newspaper.... UNLESS I WAS A COLUMNIST. HAHA. That would be wild.
but yeah. idk. i never know. which is sad. but maybe all this trying stuff out will be worth something when i finally find that perfect profession. then i'll be happy. and hopefully making good money. DOUBLE HAPPY! and yeah. we'll see about this Journalism stuff.
i have to pee.
later.
~L.
----------------
Now playing: Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
via FoxyTunes
9/6/09
Visit To VMI
Finally got to see Anthony!!
On saturday we (myself, Kristen, and Michelle - Ant's mom) woke up at about 5 am, and were on the road to VMI by 6 am. We made really good time getting there by a little after 1. We got there in time to see the VMI vs. RMU football game, and were looking for Anthony the whole first half of the game. No luck. During half time we went to get drinks or something, and as we're coming down the stands I spotted Anthony and started freaking out a little. HE LOOKS SO GOOD. He hasn't changed MUCH physically, but you could see a difference in his attitude and in the way he holds himself. It made me proud to be his friend. After half time, he was allowed to sit with us. We got all the silly stories and the horror stories. After the game (VMI wins 14-13) we had to go with Michelle to sign Anthony out so he could have dinner with us. We had to walk up the stairs and up these HUGE hills and I thought I was going to DIE. I'm out of shape, obvs. But anyway. After we signed him out, we went to the hotel we were staying at and just chilled. Then we went to dinner with his friend Eric and his family, at this really nice Southern Comfort kinda restaurant. It was maaad good. After that, we just drove around Lexington and checked out the town. Soon after, we dropped him off at the barracks and went back to the hotel.
I passed out soooooo fast. I called mom, and then put my head down for a second and passed out. I had the nuttiest dream though. I was being screamed at by the Cadre at VMI while Anthony, Mikey (yeahright), and Dillon (LOL NO WAI) were standing against a wall straining, watching me get chewed out by the cadre dudes. It was so scary.
Anyway. I'm in the car on my way to New Market (the battle ground) to see the rats do some sort of run down a hill and then get their little arm bandy things, and march in the parade. Should be a good time.
On saturday we (myself, Kristen, and Michelle - Ant's mom) woke up at about 5 am, and were on the road to VMI by 6 am. We made really good time getting there by a little after 1. We got there in time to see the VMI vs. RMU football game, and were looking for Anthony the whole first half of the game. No luck. During half time we went to get drinks or something, and as we're coming down the stands I spotted Anthony and started freaking out a little. HE LOOKS SO GOOD. He hasn't changed MUCH physically, but you could see a difference in his attitude and in the way he holds himself. It made me proud to be his friend. After half time, he was allowed to sit with us. We got all the silly stories and the horror stories. After the game (VMI wins 14-13) we had to go with Michelle to sign Anthony out so he could have dinner with us. We had to walk up the stairs and up these HUGE hills and I thought I was going to DIE. I'm out of shape, obvs. But anyway. After we signed him out, we went to the hotel we were staying at and just chilled. Then we went to dinner with his friend Eric and his family, at this really nice Southern Comfort kinda restaurant. It was maaad good. After that, we just drove around Lexington and checked out the town. Soon after, we dropped him off at the barracks and went back to the hotel.
I passed out soooooo fast. I called mom, and then put my head down for a second and passed out. I had the nuttiest dream though. I was being screamed at by the Cadre at VMI while Anthony, Mikey (yeahright), and Dillon (LOL NO WAI) were standing against a wall straining, watching me get chewed out by the cadre dudes. It was so scary.
Anyway. I'm in the car on my way to New Market (the battle ground) to see the rats do some sort of run down a hill and then get their little arm bandy things, and march in the parade. Should be a good time.
9/2/09
Go SUCK a fuck.
"Oh, please, tell me Lauren Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?"
I found my old journal that I stopped writing in sometime after Xxxx broke up with me. I decided to read through it today, and reading it made me angry. SO fucking angry, in fact, that I'm gonna put this shit on BLAST.
January 11, 2009
Sometimes I feel like Xxxx is shrugging me off. He calls earlier and earlier than he used to, and we barely talk. I feel like he doesn't like talking to me. Like he'd rather just not be bothered. Like, he says 'i love you' just to shut me up. I'm not feeling good about anything today. Maybe it's just cause I miss him...?
He broke up with me in February, like 2 days or someshit before Valentine's Day. For two days, I couldn't eat, sleep, or think properly. I was physically SICK, throwing up and feeling constantly nauseated. I had headaches from stress and probably from over thinking what the fuck went wrong. And I spent a LONG time after we broke up, trying to figure out what the fuck I did wrong. We talked for a while after everything went to shit. Long, painfully awkward conversations. And then eventually, all communication died down.
Then sometime in August, after not talking for months; he calls me up to make amends. In one night, he spills out all the wrongs. All his, I might add. And I'm not going to go into detail about what was said, but basically some fucking defect in him ruined what we had. Add to that the lying that went on about him smoking pot... Well, we were doomed. Of course, being who I am, I accepted the apology and told him it would take time, but he could be a part of my life eventually.
So here's what pissed me off. I spent months trying to figure out what the FUCK was wrong with me, when all along it was some internal conflict going on in his head that fucked up our relationship, my trust in him, my trust in guys in general, and most importantly, how I felt about myself.
We haven't stayed in contact since the apology, for whatever reason. And to be completely honest, I could give a fuck less. In all the months that have passed since my heart was ripped out of my chest and stepped on... I've done a LOT of learning about myself, how I deal with things, and life in general. And what I've come to realize is that someone who's hurt me THAT badly in the past has NO business being a part of my future. In any respect.
So I'm going to dole out one last apology, even though personally, I don't think it's well deserved. If you should end up reading this, which part of me hopes you will, this is how I felt when you were doing whatever it was you were doing, with whomever it was you were doing it with. And I'm sorry about a lot of things. I'm sorry I didn't bring it to your attention sooner that I could sense the change in you. I'm sorry I didn't confront you when you were blatantly and obviously lying to me about your drug habits. I'm sorry I wrote this in a blog, instead of just saying it directly to you... But you of all people should know what it's like to not tell someone how you REALLY feel. What I'm the most sorry about... is the fact that I let this go on for so long. Knowing what I knew, and feeling what I felt... I should've just said something earlier. Done something for myself, instead of waiting for you to do it for me. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with you for the world, but I've traveled so far in such a short time, I'll never be able to see it the same way again.
I've spoken my peace.
----------------
Now playing: VersaEmerge - Clocks
via FoxyTunes
I found my old journal that I stopped writing in sometime after Xxxx broke up with me. I decided to read through it today, and reading it made me angry. SO fucking angry, in fact, that I'm gonna put this shit on BLAST.
January 11, 2009
Sometimes I feel like Xxxx is shrugging me off. He calls earlier and earlier than he used to, and we barely talk. I feel like he doesn't like talking to me. Like he'd rather just not be bothered. Like, he says 'i love you' just to shut me up. I'm not feeling good about anything today. Maybe it's just cause I miss him...?
He broke up with me in February, like 2 days or someshit before Valentine's Day. For two days, I couldn't eat, sleep, or think properly. I was physically SICK, throwing up and feeling constantly nauseated. I had headaches from stress and probably from over thinking what the fuck went wrong. And I spent a LONG time after we broke up, trying to figure out what the fuck I did wrong. We talked for a while after everything went to shit. Long, painfully awkward conversations. And then eventually, all communication died down.
Then sometime in August, after not talking for months; he calls me up to make amends. In one night, he spills out all the wrongs. All his, I might add. And I'm not going to go into detail about what was said, but basically some fucking defect in him ruined what we had. Add to that the lying that went on about him smoking pot... Well, we were doomed. Of course, being who I am, I accepted the apology and told him it would take time, but he could be a part of my life eventually.
So here's what pissed me off. I spent months trying to figure out what the FUCK was wrong with me, when all along it was some internal conflict going on in his head that fucked up our relationship, my trust in him, my trust in guys in general, and most importantly, how I felt about myself.
We haven't stayed in contact since the apology, for whatever reason. And to be completely honest, I could give a fuck less. In all the months that have passed since my heart was ripped out of my chest and stepped on... I've done a LOT of learning about myself, how I deal with things, and life in general. And what I've come to realize is that someone who's hurt me THAT badly in the past has NO business being a part of my future. In any respect.
So I'm going to dole out one last apology, even though personally, I don't think it's well deserved. If you should end up reading this, which part of me hopes you will, this is how I felt when you were doing whatever it was you were doing, with whomever it was you were doing it with. And I'm sorry about a lot of things. I'm sorry I didn't bring it to your attention sooner that I could sense the change in you. I'm sorry I didn't confront you when you were blatantly and obviously lying to me about your drug habits. I'm sorry I wrote this in a blog, instead of just saying it directly to you... But you of all people should know what it's like to not tell someone how you REALLY feel. What I'm the most sorry about... is the fact that I let this go on for so long. Knowing what I knew, and feeling what I felt... I should've just said something earlier. Done something for myself, instead of waiting for you to do it for me. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with you for the world, but I've traveled so far in such a short time, I'll never be able to see it the same way again.
I've spoken my peace.
----------------
Now playing: VersaEmerge - Clocks
via FoxyTunes
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