It's with the deepest regrets that I must inform you...

Dearest Seattle,

Once upon a time, I dreamt of uprooting my life, ditching the Long Island scene, and running away to live the Seattle life. Ferry boats, the needle, coffee shops, grunge... and the near constant rain. But I'd be happy even though it rained because I'd be close to the motherland of my true idol, Kurt. (You guys are real tight, remember?) I'd hide out from the rain in coffee shops when I wasn't otherwise indisposed with either my schooling or my adventures into the beautiful mountainous forests, and I'd enjoy the life I had made for myself. Then, something went terribly wrong.

Perhaps you knew of my plans, and became impatient for my time with you, and sent your wife, Climate towards New York to try and lure me in. Or perhaps it was something different altogether. Perhaps, you and the Climate had a bad marital spat -- and the Climate, seeking solace, came to New York for a new life, and now, you're sitting -- no, wallowing in regret because your Climate is having an affair with another landscape. Your forests are going un-bathed, your peoples attitudes towards life are dramatically shifting, and there's something missing...

I'll be quite frank with you, on her little 'mental vacation', Climate is causing problems. What she doesn't realize is that her harsh persona isn't charming to New Yorkers. Rather, she's come in like a bat from the fiery pits of hell, is and is messing with the wrong batch of people. We don't get depressed, like the folks back in Seattle... We get angry.

Anyway, the point of me writing, my dearest Seattle? I IMPLORE YOU -- whatever the reason for her picking up and moving -- YOU MUST FIX IT. For your sake and hers as well. I'm merely the messenger. OH! And while we're on the subject of myself -- I'd just like to inform you, that I want nothing to do with you, and I will NOT be relocating any time soon. It was sweet while it lasted, and you still have Kurt -- just don't contact me any longer. It won't look good on your record.

My deepest and most sincere regrets,
Lauren Elizabeth