Go SUCK a fuck.

"Oh, please, tell me Lauren Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?"


I found my old journal that I stopped writing in sometime after Xxxx broke up with me. I decided to read through it today, and reading it made me angry. SO fucking angry, in fact, that I'm gonna put this shit on BLAST.

January 11, 2009

Sometimes I feel like Xxxx is shrugging me off. He calls earlier and earlier than he used to, and we barely talk. I feel like he doesn't like talking to me. Like he'd rather just not be bothered. Like, he says 'i love you' just to shut me up. I'm not feeling good about anything today. Maybe it's just cause I miss him...?

He broke up with me in February, like 2 days or someshit before Valentine's Day. For two days, I couldn't eat, sleep, or think properly. I was physically SICK, throwing up and feeling constantly nauseated. I had headaches from stress and probably from over thinking what the fuck went wrong. And I spent a LONG time after we broke up, trying to figure out what the fuck I did wrong. We talked for a while after everything went to shit. Long, painfully awkward conversations. And then eventually, all communication died down.

Then sometime in August, after not talking for months; he calls me up to make amends. In one night, he spills out all the wrongs. All his, I might add. And I'm not going to go into detail about what was said, but basically some fucking defect in him ruined what we had. Add to that the lying that went on about him smoking pot... Well, we were doomed. Of course, being who I am, I accepted the apology and told him it would take time, but he could be a part of my life eventually.

So here's what pissed me off. I spent months trying to figure out what the FUCK was wrong with me, when all along it was some internal conflict going on in his head that fucked up our relationship, my trust in him, my trust in guys in general, and most importantly, how I felt about myself.

We haven't stayed in contact since the apology, for whatever reason. And to be completely honest, I could give a fuck less. In all the months that have passed since my heart was ripped out of my chest and stepped on... I've done a LOT of learning about myself, how I deal with things, and life in general. And what I've come to realize is that someone who's hurt me THAT badly in the past has NO business being a part of my future. In any respect.

So I'm going to dole out one last apology, even though personally, I don't think it's well deserved. If you should end up reading this, which part of me hopes you will, this is how I felt when you were doing whatever it was you were doing, with whomever it was you were doing it with. And I'm sorry about a lot of things. I'm sorry I didn't bring it to your attention sooner that I could sense the change in you. I'm sorry I didn't confront you when you were blatantly and obviously lying to me about your drug habits. I'm sorry I wrote this in a blog, instead of just saying it directly to you... But you of all people should know what it's like to not tell someone how you REALLY feel. What I'm the most sorry about... is the fact that I let this go on for so long. Knowing what I knew, and feeling what I felt... I should've just said something earlier. Done something for myself, instead of waiting for you to do it for me. I wouldn't trade the time I spent with you for the world, but I've traveled so far in such a short time, I'll never be able to see it the same way again.

I've spoken my peace.

----------------
Now playing: VersaEmerge - Clocks
via FoxyTunes