Overcome.

Big change is coming soon. I've realized that I'm actually capable of it. So the work is gonna happen and I'll be all the better for it in the end. These next few months might just be real rough for me. Who knows. Maybe it'll be easy.


Also: Nose will be pierced by the end of June, and my 2nd tattoo is coming sometime in September. Still working out the finer details of that. I'm excited!!!!

Day out, day in. It's the alarm vs. me and the snooze button wins.

I'm sick of not feeling like I'm good enough. I'm not gonna do it anymore. The people I think should be there for me and accept me as I am, end up making me feel inadequate and I'm done with it. Maybe I'm not good enough for your standards, but with that fucking attitude you definitely aren't fitting mine. I'm done.

Monday's suck. If I had my way, I'd still be sleeping right now.

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Now playing: The Matches - Papercut Skin
via FoxyTunes

Dogs were barking, and the wedding was about to start!

Quick update:

-The wedding was amazing. Everyone looked spectacular. I think I even looked decent. -GASP- (I know right?) Tricia's bridal attendant seemed okay, even though I personally didn't see very much of her. The maitre’d was a douche, and pretty much sucked at his job. But we got lots of pictures, and the weather actually cleared up so the ceremony could take place outside. The reception was great. Lots of dancing, and laughing, and drinks, and totally fun times. Trish and Ev looked SO adorable together. I actually did the Soulja Boy dance with Christopher... Hahahaa. imsowhite. But yeah. The night was good. I came home exhausted and unable to sleep because of how strong the coffee was at the reception.

-Had to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn this morning to go to Hi-Hello-Goodbye-Kitty. Mad tired. And after this, I'm headed to the Rock Lobster to work. Wooosh.


Um, yeah I have something else to say but I'm gonna keep it to myself. It's a good something. No worries. :)

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Now playing: Jeremih - Birthday Sex
via FoxyTunes

Oh, good.

Mom always get pissed at me for no reason, and then does the annoying passive agressive thing, and pretends I doesn't exist. Makes me feel REAL good about myself, when my mom won't even look at me. Of course, I'm going to apologize first because there's no other way. She won't. I HAVE TO.


Fuck this shit.

Today's the wedding.

Did you say it?

Saw "The Hangover" tonight. That movie was funny as fuck. "Can you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice." Bahahaha.


ALSO! Spoke to Jeremie tonight for the first time in what seems like forever. I fucking missed that kid. I need to talk to him some more...


I thought I'd have more to write, but instead I keep watching this, and crying. So here, you watch it too.



Did you say it? I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it? Make a plan, set a goal, work toward it, but every now and then look around. Drink it in, cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

♥

Too weird to live, to rare to die.

I think I'm depressed. And by think, I mean that I'm pretty damn sure I am. And that's not good for all the obvious reasons.

Something's missing in my life. And I'm not gonna pretend like I don't know what it is, because it has become very clear to me in the past few days what my problem is. I want to be wanted. I'm yearning for attention. I've got so much love to give, and no one to give it to. And everyone I think I should give it to, ends up not wanting it, or not being worth the effort. I keep getting screwed over, which sucks on it's own, but then when that happens, I go and do dumb things, like talk to people that I know I probably should stay away from. And then, again, I end up getting hurt -- only this time it's my fault. It's a vicious circle. This may sound stupid and whiney, but I just want to be loved. (Gah, I sound like a baby.) I know my family loves me, and I know my friends love me, and I'm so thankful for that because I don't know what I'd do without those people in my life... But at the same time, I want something else.

I'm done complaining.
Life could be way worse.

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Now playing: Flyleaf - Perfect
via FoxyTunes

Just another freak in the freak kingdom...

I've been reading fear and loathing in las vegas basically all day. I'm a little addicted. Not sure why I felt an update was necessary but hey!



omfg it's hot as hell.

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Now playing: Mindless Self Indulgence - Bring the Pain
via FoxyTunes

my arms are killing me. i've been reduced to sitting with ice packs on them.

of course my mom asks me to go to the grocery store with her, and i decline because i feel like crap, and she acts like she's disappointed in me. this is unacceptable for two reasons. firstly, how hard is it to go to the grocery store alone? secondly, how many times has she gotten out of doing something for me because she felt like crap? ugh. her reaction at me not wanting to go on the most pointless journey ever, was annoying. ugh.

i'm done bitching. tonight's Anthony's graduation party. i'll post pictures or something later, to make this thing interesting again. hahaha, i say that as if it was interesting in the first place. WHATEVER, i'm shutting up.

Simulated Insomnia... No, wait. That's not right.

That is SO not right...


Sims 3 was released yesterday, and of course the rabid Sims freak I am... I bought it immediately. It took like all day to download, basically, because I'm an idiot and refused to restart my computer before I downloaded it. So the connection was weird for the first... 9 hours of downloading. Then when I got home from work, I decided to restart and see if it fixed the download problem. Wouldn't you know, an hour later I was playing? I'm really stupid sometimes. Haha.

The game is SICK though. The create a sim is more fun, and you can create any kind of person. The sims lifetime goal is now based on the characteristics you give your sim. Everything you can click on is customizable. Clothing, surfaces, linens -- all of it can be however you want it to be. The game play is impressive too. EA wasn't lying when they said it was seamless. You can go from your house, to the theater, then down to the beach, with literally NO loading time. And you can track your sims travels through town. I haven't began really working on the careers yet, but they look promising too. I should probably just say goodbye to my life now that I've got this game. Haha.

Now a letter to my arch rival...

Dear Insomnia,
WHY NOW?! Why would you pick now, of all times, to nestle your prickley self inbetween myself and Sleep? What did Sleep ever do to you? I'm sure nothing. And I'm also certain that maybe if you were more accepting of sleep, you wouldn't have such a bitter personality. Furthermore, what did I ever do to you? As far as I know, nothing. Please, let go of this grudge and LET ME SLEEP.
Thank you.
Love,
Lauren.


Now on a more serious note: People are mad dramatic. Cut the shit and let go of it. Everyone's got a side of the story to tell. You're preaching your side to the choir, you're not really listening to the other side. So just drop it. It's probably for the best anyway.

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Now playing: NeverShoutNever! - 30 Days
via FoxyTunes

E=MC Vagina.

Been a while!!!

Update on the past week:

• Florida was absolutely amazing. Basically no drama. Insane amounts of sun and fun. I couldn't pick a better group of people to go with. It definitely made the five of us that much closer. :D
• Came home to two days of really shitty weather. I was MISERABLE. I just wanted the warmth, and sun. But nooooooo. I was all set to either jump off my roof, or buy my way back to Florida. Haha. I survived it though!
• Got my grade for American History..... IT WAS AN A!!!! I was so effing happy, I almost cried. I know, that sounds really stupid, but I almost did. I def. thought I was gonna end up getting a C or D or something. But heyy. An A works a hell of a lot better.
• Best part of this whole school thing? My GPA blasted up from a 2.94 to a 3.58. FUCK YEAH. As of right now, I could apply to Stonybrook and get in. Hells yes. :D
• Trish and Evans wedding is nearer and nearer. STILL havent seen my top for the dress. -shrug- Soon enough, I guess. I just hope the alterations are done in time.

You bored? Go check this out. :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvjDr8KKtsE

Who's that fuckin nekkid cook, fixin three course meals??

People amuse me with how stupid and ignorant they can be. It makes me laugh really, really hard. At the same time though, it scares me a bit. Those stupid ignorant people are allowed to reproduce. That, my friends, is a frightening thought on it's own. What's also scary is that these stupid ignorant people often find themselves in positions of power. I'm baffled as to how that happens, but you know what? It's not my job to understand the world. I'll just have solace in the fact that I choose to associate myself with intelligent people. At the very least, semi-intelligent people. Haha, I'm kidding. If I thought you were stupid, I would not talk to or hang out with you. :]

SO! Um, Florida is TOMORROW! I'm excited. Like, soooo excited. Mikey, Anthony, Kristen and I are leaving for the airport right after work tomorrow at around 6. Our flight is at 9:30ish, and we'll be in Florida by 12:30 am on Friday. Chris is coming down Friday night because he has a test on Friday. I am SO pumped. My goal in Florida is to get the closest I can to as tan as I would like to be. Not Annie-tan, but definitely "I'm not a corpse"-tan. We are going to have the BEST time ever. No drama. Just laughs and a lot of good memories.

Tricia and Evan's wedding is soon. I'm also excited for that. Yeah, I know, weird. Lauren is an alien. Excited to wear a dress? Really? (Scary how I know what you're thinking, right? Nah, it's because I was thinking it myself.) But I am so exited to wear a dress and get all pretty and celebrate the wedding. It's gonna be a good time. :)

I'm a lot more girly lately. I don't mind it either, I rather enjoy it. It's more fun than anything else. I'm also a lot more happy lately. I don't know whats causing the happiness... but I'm definitely loving it. Life seems so much more... enjoyable. I guess that's the whole point.

I'm thinking that turning 20 did some good for me. I care less about stupid things and more about things that matter. I'm also doing a lot more to make myself happy. I'm not worried about everyone else anymore. Forget that. I'll worry about those who care enough to worry about me. And we'll be so happy, we won't need to worry about eachother at all. It'll be all smiles and good times.

Anyway!!! I got my grades for four classes, I'm still waiting on my History grade... Big surprise. But I got a B+ in Sign Language and Child Development, and I got an A in both English and my Criminal Behavior classes. :D

Happy happy joy joy.
I'll write again when I get my grade for history, or when I get back from Florida.
Which ever happens first...

<3

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Now playing: Ludacris - Roll Out
via FoxyTunes

Today, I dreamt of a talking chinchilla.

In other news, I think I'm evaporating.



I want one of these.

Everything Sucks.

It's the last week of classes and I am EXTREMELY stressed out. I feel like everything is coming at me from different directions, and I have no real way to be sure whether or not what I'm doing is right. Everything fucking sucks.

The Obligatory List of Bitch-and-Complain...

• I need a hug. :(
• I was sick a week ago, and yet I still have sick-symptoms. My nose periodically gets stuffed and/or drippy, and I cough like a monster. It may just be allergies, but I'm sick of being sick. And I'm sick of feeling sick.
  
• My Local History Report for American History is going to be the biggest piece of crap ever presented to a classroom, in the history of EVER... but at this point, I'm beyond caring. I'm surprised I actually finished everything I needed to get done.
• My ASL final is tomorrow, but I still have to show up to class on Friday. To sit there and do what? Nothing. Yes, friends... Lewis is wasting my time. Two semesters in a row. FML.
• Handing in my Othello paper tomorrow (a literary bullshit master piece) with the hopes that she'll grade it on the spot and then I'll be free from coming to class on Thursday. My luck? I'll be in class on Thursday.
  
• I have to do my American History Final Exam Paper on Thursday night. I don't want to do any more work for this stupid glorified historian "I'm not really a teacher" History Teaching Cuntrag.
  
• I have to teach myself a chunk of Child Development that I missed when I was out sick with the Swine Flu. Fuck.
• I'm majorly stressed with things outside of school. Everywhere I turn there's drama. Everyone wants something different from me.
• I haven't been sleeping well. Maybe on good night I'll get 4 hours of sleep. If I'm lucky. Which I'm usually not.
• Oh, and my body aches. Oh how it aches and aches...
  

I just need this week to be over and for all the bullshit to just stop.
I just want to be happy.
This isn't working for me.
I really, really need that hug.

STRESS. Dress. Mess. Less. MORE STRESS!

I'm just a kid with no ambitions, wouldn't come home for the world.
Sum 41 makes me happy.


I know that wanting what I want right now is stupid, and impractical. I know that wanting it may also hurt me. I'm aware that wanting what I want is a bit selfish, and that it isn't going to get me anywhere fast. I know all of this, and I don't care. I want it. I want to be happy. Is that so terrible?

Maybe for you...



Florida is in 11 days. Thank goodness. Schools done in like eight. I'll be done with basically everything by Wednesday afternoon. After that, all I have to do is show up and then take my Child Development final. I'm SO fucking stressed out. I just want it to all be over.

Right now, I should be doing MAD school work. Of course I'm just sitting here slacking. -sigh- Alright, I suck, I'm aware. I'm gonna go die under a pile of homework.

A few things.

This is adorable. I think Felicia posted this on myspace a long time ago, but I kept it because I thought it was exceptional.




This is what I feel like right now. Too much school-work to do, not enough time or desire to get it done. My life is one big ball of stress.



Isn't she cute? :)

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Now playing: Lily Allen - Everyone's At It
via FoxyTunes

Cause I'm gonna give it to you just like you need itttt.

Just a few things:

• I hate bitches.
• I'm doing that secret self-improvement thing again. Haha. We'll see if anyone actually notices this time.
• I'm really excited for Print Making next fall. Even though I'm like... 99% sure that half way through the semester I'm gonna have my art-student freak out and be like, "WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS?!"
• I'm gonna be like... ridiculouslu busy for the next week or so. I fucking hate professors who wait to assign projects until the last possible minute, so that when I should be studying for tests, I'm instead doing a fucking stupid project. [end rant.]
• Florida is so soon. I can't believe it's already here. Just... wow.
• MY BIRTHDAY IS ON THURSDAY. -cries- I don't wanna be ooooold.
  

Sick be a Lauren.... tooooooniiiiiiiight!

I'm pretty sure Karma is a huge bitch. I was making Swine (Pork) Flu jokes and then... I get sick. So here I am, at home, on a Friday morning. I should be at school right now, absorbing as much information as I possibly can, on account of the fact that schools basically over next week... but no. I'm home. Sneezing and coughing and hacking and feeling so very uncomfortable. And I'm quite certain I'll remain home all day and all night, and probably all of tomorrow, because my life is a bitch and because this is what I get for making jokes about the Swine Flu. Hours upon hours of game shows and daytime talk. This might just be the most exciting 3 days of my entire life. -le sigh- Thanks Karma, it was cool kickin it with ya. I get the point. You can stop being a bitch now.

Oh! And I'm supposed to babysit tomorrow. Make some extra money. I'll probably end up giving that job to Kristen though, because I don't want to get the kid sick. Woe is me.

Life is pretty boring. I go to school, go to work, come home, and do homework. That's pretty much all I do. I can't wait until the 18th. At 12:15pm on the 18th of May, I will probably be RUNNING from the G building of Nassau, screaming something along the lines of FUCK THIS PLACE. It'll be glorious.

OH! I turn 20 soon. (May 7th, holla.) I'm on my farewell tour of the teenage years. It's a tad bit depressing. But hey! 365 days closer to 21. I want to do something with all of my friends for my birthday, but I'm not sure what I want to do. I have serious issues making decisions...

So yeah, time for me to get back into bed and continue being sick.
Fuck my life.

Bookworm.

I have two tests today that I neglected to study for all week. Two tests, that I could have spent all day yesterday studying for. Two tests that I might very well FAIL now, because I didn't study at all.

Dumb-Lauren decided she would have rather read "19 Minutes" -- all bagillion pages of it -- in a day, than study. I hate that the book was so addicting, and that ALL my pin-point sized attention span wanted yesterday was to find out what happened in the book...

And now, we'll see how much my brain really does retain from cramming, since I'll be studying all the way to school, and during the hour wait for Test 1 (Criminal Behavior). And then studying for Test 2 (Child Development) as soon as I'm done with the first test.

Fuck my life.

Fear.

What's your greatest fear? Clowns? Spiders? Heights? Falling? Drowning? Fires? Murders?
Death? Destruction? Being lost? Going deaf? Going blind?


My greatest fear is losing you.
The rest, I could deal with. Easily.
I just can't imagine my life without you in it.

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Now playing: Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes
via FoxyTunes

Phoenix.

I think we all have the potential to be phoenixes in life, metaphorically of course. We are all fiery, and strong willed; or we have the capacity to be. And when we're hurt by an enemy, or worse... a loved one, we burst into a flame of emotion and hurt. The flames will dissipate eventually, and from the ashes of what we once were... we are re-born. Stronger, wiser, and more capable of surviving in this world. We are anew.

We all have this phoenix in us. At least I know I do.

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Now playing: Atreyu - Epic
via FoxyTunes