School started on Tuesday. On my list this semester: English 102, American Sign Language 2, Understanding Criminal Behavior, American History, and Child Development. I thought I made a mistake by only taking 5 classes, but considering the work load I'll have from these classes... 5 was most likely the better choice.
I haven't been to Child Development yet, because it's a 3 hour class that I have on Mondays only. All the teachers I've met so far seem nice, though. My American History professor seems kind of... rigid. She wants everything done a certain way. I mean, I understand that completely -- we're in college, it's to be expected -- however, I wish she would have been a little more clear on certain things. Also, it would have been nice to not have an 8 page syllabus to read through. Oh well. Such is life.
Today was stupid. I was creeped out by some weird guy at the bus stop. I got lunch before work with Amanda and Wei and it made me nauseous throughout the work day. I was not a happy camper. And then when I got home, every attempt I made to do my homework was interrupted. I even interrupted myself by realizing I had to go get a metrocard. Stupid Laur.
Aside from that, Cory has some stuff on his mind, and I feel bad because there's nothing I can do. It's excruciating to watch someone you love be miserable, and know that there isn't a damn thing you can do to help them out of their rut. I fucking hate it. I hate seeing him like this. I'd do anything for all of this shit to not be happening to him. -sigh-
I wish I had magic powers. I wish I could fly. I'd fly to Missouri, give Cory the biggest hug ever, and then use my magic to right all the wrongs in his life. Then, maybe, I wouldn't feel so useless.
...Go on, tell me: "Lauren, you're nuts."
----------------
Now playing: Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
via FoxyTunes
1/20/09
Missed. Dissed. Kissed. Pissed. Passed. Passing. Past. Present. Future. Time travel.
Some days are harder than others. Today just happens to be one of those days. One of those excruciatingly painful days. I fear sounding whiney and complainey and stupid and clingy and needy... But I just want to let everything out. I wonder if he even realizes how much this hurts me.
God damn it. I act as if he left me forever. I'm going to see him again. I am. It's just that I'm an impatient toddler. And I'm sorry, I can't help that. It's just something I do. I whine about what I want to happen, and babble incessantly about time machines and time travel and ways to speed up time and waste it so it moves faster. And then when I finally get what I want, I bitch about slowing it all down. The next time I see him, it will be amazing. And the wait, if anything, will make the experience that much greater.
I need to keep telling myself this.
...Some days are harder than others.
It's unnecessary for this song to relate to how I'm feeling so greatly.
God damn it. I act as if he left me forever. I'm going to see him again. I am. It's just that I'm an impatient toddler. And I'm sorry, I can't help that. It's just something I do. I whine about what I want to happen, and babble incessantly about time machines and time travel and ways to speed up time and waste it so it moves faster. And then when I finally get what I want, I bitch about slowing it all down. The next time I see him, it will be amazing. And the wait, if anything, will make the experience that much greater.
I need to keep telling myself this.
...Some days are harder than others.
It's unnecessary for this song to relate to how I'm feeling so greatly.
1/18/09
Tired. Wired. Weird. Werd. Nerd. Nerf. Narf. Poit.
Bonus points to whomever knows what cartoon the last two words come from.
I'm fucking exhausted, but I'm unable to fall asleep. I could go take some benodryl and chase it with some Nyquil, but I feel like waking up at a reasonable hour tomorrow morning. That combination would knock me out, definitely, but keep me comatose for way longer than I intend on sleeping.
School starts on Tuesday. Holy shit, dude. I'm excited about going back, just a little apprehensive about my American History class because Kristen isn't in it anymore due to the fact that Nassau Community College is run by a bunch of flamers. Everything else seems like it'll be enjoyable. I'm really looking forward to my criminal mind class. ASL 2 will be a breeze, I hope. English Comp is my strong point, so I should be good there -- and Child Development just sounds like it'll be interesting. This semester I have no reason to do poorly. The classes are fairly simple, and I plan on actually studying this semester. (Yeah, I'm still on that whole... waste as much time as humanly possible kick. Studying is a huge time waster. I'm down.) I'm gonna get my GPA up and get the FUCK out of Turnpike Tech.
I saw Notorious today with Kristen and Anthony. That movie... it was epic. Usually when I watch movies in theaters I get antsy and want to leave halfway through. Not even close here. I was actually surprised the movie ended as quickly as it did. (Which wasn't quick at all, it was 2 hours long.) The acting was amazing. Jamal Woolard did an amazing job acting as Biggie. Biggie's son CJ was in it too, playing as Young Biggie. Naturi Naughton ACED the role of Lil' Kim.
And by the way, are you all aware of how Lil' Kim is trying to sue the producers of Notorious for defamation of character? Um, yeah. Right. Poor Lil' Kim was portrayed as a whore who screwed her way into fame. It just so happens that she IS a whore who screwed her way into fame. Not dissing her at all, because Lil' Kim is pretty ill. But she should probably chill with that lawsuit because she isn't fooling anyone.
After the movie, we went back to Kristens for a little lie-detector questioning, some black mail, and ultimately -- to watch Anthony fail at getting to play Wii Fit. The best thing though, happened before we went to Kristens, when we were on line at Target. I started freestyle rapping about Anthony having crabs. It was mad funny. "Pinchers in the air, like you just don't care, cause Anthony's got crabs on his pubic hair!" I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.
Life is far from shitty, but it would be a whole hell of a lot better if I could just see Cory. I write this all the time, but I need to get it out. I want nothing more than to be near him. I don't like being this far from him. It's annoying. So right now, I've got a message to deliver:
Dear April,
Hurry your ass the fuck up and get here soon, before I start dropping bitches. Oh, and while you're at it... Once you get to about... Oh... The 10th? You can slow down a bit. You know, as to let me enjoy my happiness. You know, I wouldn't be too affected if time all together froze, as long as I was with Cory when it happened.
Thanks for your understanding.
Love,
Lauren.
Yeah, so if you don't mind, could you please deliver that message to April? Thanks a bunch.
I'm going to stop writing now because it's obvious I need sleep.
Oh, this song I'm listening to... It's pretty fuckin sick. I highly recommend it to all my niggas in the struggle. And by that I mean anyone looking for some good shit to listen to.
----------------
Now playing: Notorious B.I.G. - Ten Crack Commandments
via FoxyTunes
I'm fucking exhausted, but I'm unable to fall asleep. I could go take some benodryl and chase it with some Nyquil, but I feel like waking up at a reasonable hour tomorrow morning. That combination would knock me out, definitely, but keep me comatose for way longer than I intend on sleeping.
School starts on Tuesday. Holy shit, dude. I'm excited about going back, just a little apprehensive about my American History class because Kristen isn't in it anymore due to the fact that Nassau Community College is run by a bunch of flamers. Everything else seems like it'll be enjoyable. I'm really looking forward to my criminal mind class. ASL 2 will be a breeze, I hope. English Comp is my strong point, so I should be good there -- and Child Development just sounds like it'll be interesting. This semester I have no reason to do poorly. The classes are fairly simple, and I plan on actually studying this semester. (Yeah, I'm still on that whole... waste as much time as humanly possible kick. Studying is a huge time waster. I'm down.) I'm gonna get my GPA up and get the FUCK out of Turnpike Tech.
I saw Notorious today with Kristen and Anthony. That movie... it was epic. Usually when I watch movies in theaters I get antsy and want to leave halfway through. Not even close here. I was actually surprised the movie ended as quickly as it did. (Which wasn't quick at all, it was 2 hours long.) The acting was amazing. Jamal Woolard did an amazing job acting as Biggie. Biggie's son CJ was in it too, playing as Young Biggie. Naturi Naughton ACED the role of Lil' Kim.
And by the way, are you all aware of how Lil' Kim is trying to sue the producers of Notorious for defamation of character? Um, yeah. Right. Poor Lil' Kim was portrayed as a whore who screwed her way into fame. It just so happens that she IS a whore who screwed her way into fame. Not dissing her at all, because Lil' Kim is pretty ill. But she should probably chill with that lawsuit because she isn't fooling anyone.
After the movie, we went back to Kristens for a little lie-detector questioning, some black mail, and ultimately -- to watch Anthony fail at getting to play Wii Fit. The best thing though, happened before we went to Kristens, when we were on line at Target. I started freestyle rapping about Anthony having crabs. It was mad funny. "Pinchers in the air, like you just don't care, cause Anthony's got crabs on his pubic hair!" I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.
Life is far from shitty, but it would be a whole hell of a lot better if I could just see Cory. I write this all the time, but I need to get it out. I want nothing more than to be near him. I don't like being this far from him. It's annoying. So right now, I've got a message to deliver:
Dear April,
Hurry your ass the fuck up and get here soon, before I start dropping bitches. Oh, and while you're at it... Once you get to about... Oh... The 10th? You can slow down a bit. You know, as to let me enjoy my happiness. You know, I wouldn't be too affected if time all together froze, as long as I was with Cory when it happened.
Thanks for your understanding.
Love,
Lauren.
Yeah, so if you don't mind, could you please deliver that message to April? Thanks a bunch.
I'm going to stop writing now because it's obvious I need sleep.
Oh, this song I'm listening to... It's pretty fuckin sick. I highly recommend it to all my niggas in the struggle. And by that I mean anyone looking for some good shit to listen to.
----------------
Now playing: Notorious B.I.G. - Ten Crack Commandments
via FoxyTunes
1/15/09
Maybe I'll just sing about it.
People change. People drift. New ones come along. People you had doubts about all along prove you right. People you never expected to be there for you prove you wrong. People you never thought you'd be close to become closer than the ones you thought would be there forever.
Things change. And none of it's terribly sad. It's welcome change in my eyes. It all helps me grow. That's the way I'm looking at things right now. -shrug-
I miss Cory.
I'm pretty sure I say that every time I write here. Oh wellz. It's true. It's a thought I have a lot. Why not share? Haha.
Jeremie wrote me, from Parris Island. That was pretty cool of him. I feel kind of bad, because I can tell it's tough on him. I hope he's the same dude when he gets out. I'm gonna write him back and mail it tomorrow before I go to work.
Tomorrow we're filming the first episode of "The Real World: North Shore". I'm pretty excited. It's gonna be good times. I love those people. So much. Oh, and we might go see NOTORIOUS afterward. So psyched.
The music video for the song "Heartless" by Kanye West is pretty cool.
I really have nothing to say. Unless you're interested in reading my rants on why Cory should be here.
I know you're not interested.
Grey's is on in 2 minutes. Yay tele-drama.
EDIT:
I just found out that Johannes Brahms was born the same day as me. That's pretty badass. He was a brilliant composer. [/nerd]
----------------
Now playing: Tickle Me Pink - Madeline
via FoxyTunes
Things change. And none of it's terribly sad. It's welcome change in my eyes. It all helps me grow. That's the way I'm looking at things right now. -shrug-
I miss Cory.
I'm pretty sure I say that every time I write here. Oh wellz. It's true. It's a thought I have a lot. Why not share? Haha.
Jeremie wrote me, from Parris Island. That was pretty cool of him. I feel kind of bad, because I can tell it's tough on him. I hope he's the same dude when he gets out. I'm gonna write him back and mail it tomorrow before I go to work.
Tomorrow we're filming the first episode of "The Real World: North Shore". I'm pretty excited. It's gonna be good times. I love those people. So much. Oh, and we might go see NOTORIOUS afterward. So psyched.
The music video for the song "Heartless" by Kanye West is pretty cool.
I really have nothing to say. Unless you're interested in reading my rants on why Cory should be here.
I know you're not interested.
Grey's is on in 2 minutes. Yay tele-drama.
EDIT:
I just found out that Johannes Brahms was born the same day as me. That's pretty badass. He was a brilliant composer. [/nerd]
----------------
Now playing: Tickle Me Pink - Madeline
via FoxyTunes
1/14/09
Sick, Suck, Sunk, Dunk, Drunk, Crunk, Crank.
I'm getting this feeling that I'm kind of useless lately. Like I'm really not needed. Like some people are maybe keeping me around because they either feel bad telling me to screw off, don't want to waste the energy telling me so, or because it's just convenient to keep me around.
That's a pretty stupid thing to think. Why would it be convenient to keep dead weight around? I don't even know why I'm thinking this stuff anyway. It's probably all in my head. How dare I even think that the amazing people in my life think of me that way.
...Still, the thought pops up every now and then. I've been sad lately. And trying to hide it. I'm not sure how it works, but this is me telling the world that something is bugging me. I'm gonna blame it on the fact that I'm sick. The sickness is fucking with my emotions.
I'm feeling a bit better than earlier this morning. I woke up and was puking at like 3 this morning. That kept up until 6ish. And then I was just dry-heaving since there was nothing in me. I've been drinking water. I'm feeling much better now. I haven't felt nauseous since like... 11ish. Still, my head is throbbing, and I'm coughing and sneezing like a mo-fo. Stayed home from work because I don't wanna contaminate the kids. I'm sure they won't even realize I'm not there. Hopefully tomorrow I can go back to work. I hate being at home. It's so lonely, since the cats can't be bothered to hang out with me. I want a puppy to keep me company. Ohyeah, now I'm certain, I'm delusional. Puppies! Yeah, right.
God, I've got to stop with this shit.
Maybe some more benodryl and sleep.
I want to be happy.
Like... Katherine Hiegl at the end of 27 Dresses. That kind of happy. Where it's her day, and nothing could possibly happen to fuck it up. Thats a once-in-a-lifetime kind of happy though. Why would I waste it when I'm 19? Idk. Maybe I should just stop typing. Why am I retarded.
----------------
Now playing: The Exies - Ugly
via FoxyTunes
That's a pretty stupid thing to think. Why would it be convenient to keep dead weight around? I don't even know why I'm thinking this stuff anyway. It's probably all in my head. How dare I even think that the amazing people in my life think of me that way.
...Still, the thought pops up every now and then. I've been sad lately. And trying to hide it. I'm not sure how it works, but this is me telling the world that something is bugging me. I'm gonna blame it on the fact that I'm sick. The sickness is fucking with my emotions.
I'm feeling a bit better than earlier this morning. I woke up and was puking at like 3 this morning. That kept up until 6ish. And then I was just dry-heaving since there was nothing in me. I've been drinking water. I'm feeling much better now. I haven't felt nauseous since like... 11ish. Still, my head is throbbing, and I'm coughing and sneezing like a mo-fo. Stayed home from work because I don't wanna contaminate the kids. I'm sure they won't even realize I'm not there. Hopefully tomorrow I can go back to work. I hate being at home. It's so lonely, since the cats can't be bothered to hang out with me. I want a puppy to keep me company. Ohyeah, now I'm certain, I'm delusional. Puppies! Yeah, right.
God, I've got to stop with this shit.
Maybe some more benodryl and sleep.
I want to be happy.
Like... Katherine Hiegl at the end of 27 Dresses. That kind of happy. Where it's her day, and nothing could possibly happen to fuck it up. Thats a once-in-a-lifetime kind of happy though. Why would I waste it when I'm 19? Idk. Maybe I should just stop typing. Why am I retarded.
----------------
Now playing: The Exies - Ugly
via FoxyTunes
1/10/09
Non tangunt et amant.
Today has been ridiculous, in a completely boring way.
I woke up, thirsty as hell, but there wasn't anything to drink aside from milk (I'm not giving Cory the satisfaction) and the tap water that I think tastes funny. Boredom occured basically all morning, until I went outside and swept snow off the stairs and then went grocery shopping. Yippee? Mom and I played Mario Party 8 after dinner. She kicked my ass. Yet again. Damn her.
Tomorrow, I'm going to clean my room. And then when I'm done, I might attempt baking a cake. (hahaha) Or the Izzie cupcakes. (Chocolate, with a dash of coconut extract) BAHAHAHAHA. And then when I'm done with that... I'm painting a rainbow. With little silver butterflies.
Fuck yes!
I'm ambitious at midnight, but I don't think I'll be up for all of this tomorrow. Oh well. I'm trying.
I woke up, thirsty as hell, but there wasn't anything to drink aside from milk (I'm not giving Cory the satisfaction) and the tap water that I think tastes funny. Boredom occured basically all morning, until I went outside and swept snow off the stairs and then went grocery shopping. Yippee? Mom and I played Mario Party 8 after dinner. She kicked my ass. Yet again. Damn her.
Tomorrow, I'm going to clean my room. And then when I'm done, I might attempt baking a cake. (hahaha) Or the Izzie cupcakes. (Chocolate, with a dash of coconut extract) BAHAHAHAHA. And then when I'm done with that... I'm painting a rainbow. With little silver butterflies.
Fuck yes!
I'm ambitious at midnight, but I don't think I'll be up for all of this tomorrow. Oh well. I'm trying.
1/9/09
My throat hurts.
...yeah. Today feels uncomfortable. My hair is ridiculous looking. My face is all dried out. I need moisturizer. And a haircut. Oh, mother of fuck, I need a haircut in a bad way.
I'm quitting smoking. I figure with my luck, I'll end up with lung cancer if I keep it up. I want to stay alive as long as possible. There's too much I haven't seen. I need to see more. My eyes need stimulation. NEED MOAR SIGHTS.
Happy boys and happy girls. This song makes me think of like... a giant PRIDE parade dancing through the streets of Disney. Haha, that would be awesome. I want a Pride flag. I'm very straight, but I like rainbows. I also like gays and lesbians. They're good people. I need more good people in my life. Of course the one good person I NEED in my life happens to be 1251 miles away. -le sigh- April will be here soon enough, I suppose.
No, not soon enough. It will never be soon enough, because it needs to be right now. I'm a whineybitch. Bwahaha.
OMG Barbie Girl is on. What amazingness. This song makes me want to bunch a blonde girl. And then turn into an Asian. Oh, how amazing life would be if I were Asian. I'd have nice hair, a pretty face... I'd be smart. I'd be really good at stuff. Of course Cory says I'm all of that, so I don't need to be Asian. I guess his opinion is the only one that actually matters. God, I love him.
Today is going to be looooooooooooong. Hopefully I don't lose my voice. Y'know. Sore throat and all.
Wish me luck.
----------------
Now playing: Aqua - Barbie girl
via FoxyTunes
I'm quitting smoking. I figure with my luck, I'll end up with lung cancer if I keep it up. I want to stay alive as long as possible. There's too much I haven't seen. I need to see more. My eyes need stimulation. NEED MOAR SIGHTS.
Happy boys and happy girls. This song makes me think of like... a giant PRIDE parade dancing through the streets of Disney. Haha, that would be awesome. I want a Pride flag. I'm very straight, but I like rainbows. I also like gays and lesbians. They're good people. I need more good people in my life. Of course the one good person I NEED in my life happens to be 1251 miles away. -le sigh- April will be here soon enough, I suppose.
No, not soon enough. It will never be soon enough, because it needs to be right now. I'm a whineybitch. Bwahaha.
OMG Barbie Girl is on. What amazingness. This song makes me want to bunch a blonde girl. And then turn into an Asian. Oh, how amazing life would be if I were Asian. I'd have nice hair, a pretty face... I'd be smart. I'd be really good at stuff. Of course Cory says I'm all of that, so I don't need to be Asian. I guess his opinion is the only one that actually matters. God, I love him.
Today is going to be looooooooooooong. Hopefully I don't lose my voice. Y'know. Sore throat and all.
Wish me luck.
----------------
Now playing: Aqua - Barbie girl
via FoxyTunes
1/8/09
Everything is nothing.
Today has been especially bad. Everything that could have possibly happened to piss me off, has happened and has pissed me off. No one seems to notice my annoyance lately, so I guess I'm doing a good job of hiding those negative emotions. I sort of wish someone would notice, though. So I could vent, and not feel all cooped up and stressed out all the time. -sigh-
All I want is for Cory to be here. He would make everything better. Fuck Missouri. Fuck distance. Fuck responsibility. Fuck it all. Why not do what you need to do to be happy, when you need to be happy? What is really keeping me from booking a flight right this second? Not. Much. Of. Anything.
Grey's is coming on soon.
I'll be okay. I hope.
All I want is for Cory to be here. He would make everything better. Fuck Missouri. Fuck distance. Fuck responsibility. Fuck it all. Why not do what you need to do to be happy, when you need to be happy? What is really keeping me from booking a flight right this second? Not. Much. Of. Anything.
Grey's is coming on soon.
I'll be okay. I hope.
1/6/09
MOAR! MOAR PLANS UV ATTACK!
I think it's better, now that I get to talk to him a little more. Well, more than the first 2 days he was gone. Gosh, that was brutal. New York still sucks without Cory. It's always going to. -shrug- I'm just gonna have to concentrate on doing things that help make it more bearable. Also, lots of mundane things, so as to keep me busy. You know the deal.
I've taken to writing everything I've got to do in this stupid day planner that I got from Stonebridge Pharmacy. If not for anything else, just writing in it wastes time. These days, I like to waste as much time as possible. So far most of my to-do's have to do with work. Bulliten boards, art projects, giving myself due dates for stupid shit. Oh, and I'm supposed to meet up with Mario at Roosevelt Field on Sunday. That should be interesting. -shrug-
I've also decided that it's gonna be awesome to go back to school, because what is the biggest waste of time ever? (At least in my case?) Oh yeah, you got it -- STUDYING. I'm gonna face-plant into my textbooks. Hopefully grab a few A's to show for it, but I won't say anything to jinx myself. Maybe this semester I'll do better than last. (Which by the way my grades were B, B+, B+, and an A.) I want to do better, because I can. I know this.
Anyway... It's about time for me to start getting ready for work.
Haha, such an appropriate song is playing right now... XD
----------------
Now playing: The Proclaimers - 500 Miles
via FoxyTunes
I've taken to writing everything I've got to do in this stupid day planner that I got from Stonebridge Pharmacy. If not for anything else, just writing in it wastes time. These days, I like to waste as much time as possible. So far most of my to-do's have to do with work. Bulliten boards, art projects, giving myself due dates for stupid shit. Oh, and I'm supposed to meet up with Mario at Roosevelt Field on Sunday. That should be interesting. -shrug-
I've also decided that it's gonna be awesome to go back to school, because what is the biggest waste of time ever? (At least in my case?) Oh yeah, you got it -- STUDYING. I'm gonna face-plant into my textbooks. Hopefully grab a few A's to show for it, but I won't say anything to jinx myself. Maybe this semester I'll do better than last. (Which by the way my grades were B, B+, B+, and an A.) I want to do better, because I can. I know this.
Anyway... It's about time for me to start getting ready for work.
Haha, such an appropriate song is playing right now... XD
----------------
Now playing: The Proclaimers - 500 Miles
via FoxyTunes
1/5/09
Plan of attack.
My new plan is to do everything I can to help pass the time. E V E R Y T H I N G . Even the most mundane, stupid, trivial activity. I'm gonna do it, because it's gonna pass the time. And all that passed time means there's less time between the next time I see Cory.
That being said, I bought a lamp from Ikea today and spent about 25 minutes putting it together. There was a screw that was giving me problems, but I showed it who was boss. Fuck you, Ikea. Oddly enough, I feel accomplished after putting the bastard thing together. The lamp is shaped weird and takes up too much space on my desk. It won't last long...
Mom asked a silly question today. Why did I buy Raisin Bran at the store? I told her I just wanted it. Truthfully, it's because I'm doing silly things to simulate closeness. I saw the Raisin Bran while I was walking down the cereal aisle and something in my head told me buying it would help. It wasn't until I was leaving the store that I realized why. Don't worry about it. I'm weird.
1251 miles. That's all. Just a measeley 1251 miles... I don't miss him any less, and the distance doesn't hurt less... I'm just getting better at coping. I think. Slowly. I still cry a lot though. So who knows.
I'm a zombie.
Please come back...
----------------
Now playing: The Mighty Boosh - Tundra Rap
via FoxyTunes
That being said, I bought a lamp from Ikea today and spent about 25 minutes putting it together. There was a screw that was giving me problems, but I showed it who was boss. Fuck you, Ikea. Oddly enough, I feel accomplished after putting the bastard thing together. The lamp is shaped weird and takes up too much space on my desk. It won't last long...
Mom asked a silly question today. Why did I buy Raisin Bran at the store? I told her I just wanted it. Truthfully, it's because I'm doing silly things to simulate closeness. I saw the Raisin Bran while I was walking down the cereal aisle and something in my head told me buying it would help. It wasn't until I was leaving the store that I realized why. Don't worry about it. I'm weird.
1251 miles. That's all. Just a measeley 1251 miles... I don't miss him any less, and the distance doesn't hurt less... I'm just getting better at coping. I think. Slowly. I still cry a lot though. So who knows.
I'm a zombie.
Please come back...
----------------
Now playing: The Mighty Boosh - Tundra Rap
via FoxyTunes
1/4/09
Sooner, not later.
Well, yesterday was absolutely ridiculous. Started and ended the day in tears, with little change in between. I cried like a baby the entire ride there, while we waited for the bus to show up, and I went hysterical after he threw his luggage under the bus. The hardest thing I've ever had to do, was letting him get on that bus. I was miserable. I contemplated following him on the bus, but that would have been stupid because I had no ticket, and no money, and virtually all of my shit was in the car with Mom. As we were leaving Hempstead, we were driving behind the bus, which sucked. The distance between us kept growing, and all I wanted to do was to stop and rewind time. And just repeat the process. Letting go was so painful.
So I tried to pay my NCC bill after we left. They weren't open. I was upset, again. So I went home. Mom made food. I don't remember what it was. I ate like a zombie. Went to my room. And spent the majority of the day/night in there. Sam came and took me out for a while (thanks for that), but my heart wasn't in it. It was, and still is; in the hands of that boy.
I couldn't sleep last night, and according to Mom, when I did sleep, I was crying and screaming in my sleep. Wonderful. I woke up clinging to the panda bear Cory bought me, for dear life.
Today is a little better, even though I woke up this morning under the impression he was still here. Until I realized I was sleeping on a Jollyrancher pillow, which of course meant he wasn't here. He was still gone.
It's been a whole day. I'm starting to come off of this evil sadness. I'll be okay, eventually. It's not the end of the world. I just have to keep telling myself that. It's not the end. It's just the beginning. He'll be back. We'll be together again, soon. And even though I don't know exactly when, I have to know that it's soon. Sooner than later, anyway. Sooner, because time doesn't move backward. Sooner, because time is always moving forward. Always. It doesn't stop for anyone, ever. So every day I make it through is one day closer to being able to see him again.
I'll be alright.
Just bear with me for the next couple days.
I'm gonna need support.
----------------
Now playing: Akon - I'm So Paid Ft. Lil Wayne
via FoxyTunes
So I tried to pay my NCC bill after we left. They weren't open. I was upset, again. So I went home. Mom made food. I don't remember what it was. I ate like a zombie. Went to my room. And spent the majority of the day/night in there. Sam came and took me out for a while (thanks for that), but my heart wasn't in it. It was, and still is; in the hands of that boy.
I couldn't sleep last night, and according to Mom, when I did sleep, I was crying and screaming in my sleep. Wonderful. I woke up clinging to the panda bear Cory bought me, for dear life.
Today is a little better, even though I woke up this morning under the impression he was still here. Until I realized I was sleeping on a Jollyrancher pillow, which of course meant he wasn't here. He was still gone.
It's been a whole day. I'm starting to come off of this evil sadness. I'll be okay, eventually. It's not the end of the world. I just have to keep telling myself that. It's not the end. It's just the beginning. He'll be back. We'll be together again, soon. And even though I don't know exactly when, I have to know that it's soon. Sooner than later, anyway. Sooner, because time doesn't move backward. Sooner, because time is always moving forward. Always. It doesn't stop for anyone, ever. So every day I make it through is one day closer to being able to see him again.
I'll be alright.
Just bear with me for the next couple days.
I'm gonna need support.
----------------
Now playing: Akon - I'm So Paid Ft. Lil Wayne
via FoxyTunes
1/2/09
The truth is, it's painless letting your love show.
For arguments sake, lets say I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night. Maybe. Only because he kissed me goodnight, and I was comfortable enough to pass out. So when I woke up at 3 am, I kind of freaked out. Well. I've been going strong on the whole freak out thing since then. I could probably fall asleep right now, but that would be dumb since we have plans to leave for the train station at 11:30. The closer we get to Saturday, the more I cry. I'm so pathetic...
I don't want him to leave me here.
Nothing is ever going to be the same...
What am I going to do?
----------------
Now playing: Skye - Love Show (Radio Edit)
via FoxyTunes
I don't want him to leave me here.
Nothing is ever going to be the same...
What am I going to do?
----------------
Now playing: Skye - Love Show (Radio Edit)
via FoxyTunes
1/1/09
So this is the new year...
Happy New Year! My resolutions (if you can call them that) are all geared around self-improvement... so I'm not gonna bother to write them out. Oh, and another resolution is to do more art. Be more artistic, think outside the box more, and create. -shrug- Sounds do-able.
Cory's here. He's been here since Saturday (the 27h) and it's been the most amazing time ever. I haven't ever been so happy. Ever. Saturday after Mom and I picked him up, we took him to Majestic and had dinner there. Sunday we went to East West in Westbury to meet Andrew WK before the concert at the Donkey. But of course my car decides to be an asshole, and would not start after we got out of East West. So effing lame. Finally, after Sam came to the rescue with tools, and Cory beat the shit out of our car battery... The bastard thing started. We then went to the Donkey and saw AWK and proceeded to have the most amazing concert experience ever. Monday we went into the city with Katie, which was quite interesting. Katie's on crack (as if we weren't all aware) and was being her usual retarded self on the bus. Once we got into the city, we showed Cory all the fun touristy things, including the Toys R Us, MTV Store, all of Times Square, and Rockefeller Center. It was a lot of fun. Tuesday, we went out to lunch with Sam and Melissa which was, as always; an experience. After that I brought him to the Boys and Girls Club to meet everyone who was there, and to see where I work. Yadda yadda. Then we had to go grocery shopping. Cory bought me this HUGE panda bear while we were at the store. I'm loving it. It's reeeeally soft. =) Yesterday for New Years Eve we went to Joe's house. That was also really fun. Mazza interrogated him about Missouri, which was entertaining because she was acting as if Missouri is some... 3rd world country or something. Blah, I feel like I'm rambling about stuff. These past 5 days have been amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Tomorrow we're going back into the city with Kristen, Chris, Kemp, and possibly Amanda and Joe. Probably gonna try and check out Madame Tussuad's, try going to Nintendo World again, and then make our way to Brooklyn Bridge Park to meet a friend of Cory's.
I'm dreading Saturday. I don't want it to happen. I want to freeze time so that this happiness I'm experiencing won't leave me. I'm so scared of what's going to happen when he goes... I need to freeze time. Or a time machine. Something. I need something, quick.
----------------
Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - Giving Up
via FoxyTunes
Cory's here. He's been here since Saturday (the 27h) and it's been the most amazing time ever. I haven't ever been so happy. Ever. Saturday after Mom and I picked him up, we took him to Majestic and had dinner there. Sunday we went to East West in Westbury to meet Andrew WK before the concert at the Donkey. But of course my car decides to be an asshole, and would not start after we got out of East West. So effing lame. Finally, after Sam came to the rescue with tools, and Cory beat the shit out of our car battery... The bastard thing started. We then went to the Donkey and saw AWK and proceeded to have the most amazing concert experience ever. Monday we went into the city with Katie, which was quite interesting. Katie's on crack (as if we weren't all aware) and was being her usual retarded self on the bus. Once we got into the city, we showed Cory all the fun touristy things, including the Toys R Us, MTV Store, all of Times Square, and Rockefeller Center. It was a lot of fun. Tuesday, we went out to lunch with Sam and Melissa which was, as always; an experience. After that I brought him to the Boys and Girls Club to meet everyone who was there, and to see where I work. Yadda yadda. Then we had to go grocery shopping. Cory bought me this HUGE panda bear while we were at the store. I'm loving it. It's reeeeally soft. =) Yesterday for New Years Eve we went to Joe's house. That was also really fun. Mazza interrogated him about Missouri, which was entertaining because she was acting as if Missouri is some... 3rd world country or something. Blah, I feel like I'm rambling about stuff. These past 5 days have been amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Tomorrow we're going back into the city with Kristen, Chris, Kemp, and possibly Amanda and Joe. Probably gonna try and check out Madame Tussuad's, try going to Nintendo World again, and then make our way to Brooklyn Bridge Park to meet a friend of Cory's.
I'm dreading Saturday. I don't want it to happen. I want to freeze time so that this happiness I'm experiencing won't leave me. I'm so scared of what's going to happen when he goes... I need to freeze time. Or a time machine. Something. I need something, quick.
----------------
Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - Giving Up
via FoxyTunes
12/24/08
It doesn't feel like Christmas. Not at all.
So, it's finally Christmas Eve. I've retired to my room, to hide from the Christmas music that I've been tortured with for the past month, and because that stupid Mariah Carey song (ok I won't lie, I love her.) came on. You know the one, where she's all like "All I want for Christmas is YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" in that really high pitched voice that she always does? The one that all the lonely girls (I've done it before too, shutup) put in their AIM profiles during Christmas time? Yeah, that one. Well it just occured to me... that very song could be directly applied to my life. Which is odd. But the cool thing is that I'm actually getting my wish. He'll be here on Saturday. And I'm still freaking out. Wow.
Last night was Sam's Christmas party. Quite a bit of fun. Lots of stupid pictures were taken. Lots of rude jokes were made... mostly by me. I actually had a great time. Sam made an awesome dinner, and was neurotic about her table settings, and I was rude back to her, and told her that her kids would be annorexics as teens because they had such a compulsive, controll freak mother. Haha. It's all good, she knows I'm kidding. I felt so at ease last night just hanging out with those idiots and leading the retard exhibition. I felt bad for Marge who was upstairs and probably had her head in a pillow, screaming for us to shut the fuck up. Haha. Oh wells.
It doesn't even feel like Christmas Time. It's rainy and ugly outside. Boo. It's the 24th though, and tonight is the Patino family Christmas Extravaganza that always ends with a story or 15. (Maybe this year we'll succeed at getting Aunt Nan drunk again!) I'm just really excited to watch A Christmas Story. Then when we come home, I'm pretty sure Mom and I are gonna set up my Wii, FINALLY -- and stay up for hours upon hours playing that. =) I'm excited.
Anyway. I'll take pictures of the event. Later skater.
----------------
Now playing: Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part
via FoxyTunes
Last night was Sam's Christmas party. Quite a bit of fun. Lots of stupid pictures were taken. Lots of rude jokes were made... mostly by me. I actually had a great time. Sam made an awesome dinner, and was neurotic about her table settings, and I was rude back to her, and told her that her kids would be annorexics as teens because they had such a compulsive, controll freak mother. Haha. It's all good, she knows I'm kidding. I felt so at ease last night just hanging out with those idiots and leading the retard exhibition. I felt bad for Marge who was upstairs and probably had her head in a pillow, screaming for us to shut the fuck up. Haha. Oh wells.
It doesn't even feel like Christmas Time. It's rainy and ugly outside. Boo. It's the 24th though, and tonight is the Patino family Christmas Extravaganza that always ends with a story or 15. (Maybe this year we'll succeed at getting Aunt Nan drunk again!) I'm just really excited to watch A Christmas Story. Then when we come home, I'm pretty sure Mom and I are gonna set up my Wii, FINALLY -- and stay up for hours upon hours playing that. =) I'm excited.
Anyway. I'll take pictures of the event. Later skater.
----------------
Now playing: Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part
via FoxyTunes
12/22/08
Gentlewoman Corpse.
I'm taking my last final tomorrow, and then I'll be done with this cunt of a semester. Hopefully I didn't fuck it up so badly. I guess I'll post my grades tomorrow, when I find out the good/bad news. -le sigh- Of course when I got home today, the bill for Spring 09 was on the kitchen table. Which of course, sent me into a bitch fit. Fuck, I really hate money. And college. But mostly the money, because college is actually kind of fun. Except for certain fuck-bag professors making certain fuck-bag classes suck a big bag-o-fuck. (Heh, go me.)
Cory will be here very soon. Within days. Which is so super-duper exciting. And scary at the same time. He's gonna be here, and be like, "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you." And run screaming in the other direction. That, or he'll be so very content and zen about being here. Oh Kurt, I hope it's the second option. I want him to want to be here. If that makes any sense.
I've been drawing octopus tentacles all day. The silly Wormwood comic book gave me the idea. I want to be a gentleman corpse. Or rather, a gentlewoman corpse. That would be interesting. Except for the whole worm thing coming out of my eye and speaking for me.
I want to be an octopus for a day.
With zebra stripes and a mohawk.
God damn it, I'm weird.
----------------
Now playing: Ludo - Love Me Dead
via FoxyTunes
Cory will be here very soon. Within days. Which is so super-duper exciting. And scary at the same time. He's gonna be here, and be like, "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you." And run screaming in the other direction. That, or he'll be so very content and zen about being here. Oh Kurt, I hope it's the second option. I want him to want to be here. If that makes any sense.
I've been drawing octopus tentacles all day. The silly Wormwood comic book gave me the idea. I want to be a gentleman corpse. Or rather, a gentlewoman corpse. That would be interesting. Except for the whole worm thing coming out of my eye and speaking for me.
I want to be an octopus for a day.
With zebra stripes and a mohawk.
God damn it, I'm weird.
----------------
Now playing: Ludo - Love Me Dead
via FoxyTunes
12/21/08
12/10/08
Well now... That was thoroughly embarassing.
I just looked at all 5 million of my old blogs. Oii. How embarassing. Seriously, the shit I found to complain about was ridiculous. I was extremely over-dramatic about the Gordon Duck love-story thing, and I went off on the most pointless tangents. AND!!!! I swear to Kurt, if I could go back in time and slap the shit out of my 13 year old self for using the word "sexxie" (spelled just like that) -- Oh, I totally would.
I made a FaceInHole album today. There's some seriously funny shit going on there.
I'm sort of sick again. I have this annoying cough-thing going on. What did I get? Like two days of health? -le sigh-
I should be in bed. I'm yawning every 2 seconds, and I have to be up at 5 am tomorrow morning for the usual school bullshit. Grawr. No matter how good it looks on paper; 7 am classes are just a baaaaad idea. I'm not even sure how I'm making it through this semester... Hopefully my grades aren't too shitty. -shrug-
I need hugs.
Everything makes me tired.
I want a graham cracker. :O
Cory makes me smile an awful lot.
Do I make you tired?
----------------
Now playing: Nirvana - Breed
via FoxyTunes
I made a FaceInHole album today. There's some seriously funny shit going on there.
I'm sort of sick again. I have this annoying cough-thing going on. What did I get? Like two days of health? -le sigh-
I should be in bed. I'm yawning every 2 seconds, and I have to be up at 5 am tomorrow morning for the usual school bullshit. Grawr. No matter how good it looks on paper; 7 am classes are just a baaaaad idea. I'm not even sure how I'm making it through this semester... Hopefully my grades aren't too shitty. -shrug-
I need hugs.
Everything makes me tired.
I want a graham cracker. :O
Cory makes me smile an awful lot.
Do I make you tired?
----------------
Now playing: Nirvana - Breed
via FoxyTunes
12/7/08
Hey, hey, guess what!
Cory gets here on the 27th.
(Major celebration, mixed in with major anxiety.)
I'm thoroughly excited though.
--
Seriously, who would have thought after all this... that we'd be where we are now? I definitely didn't see it. Just, wow. That's all I really have to say. And this is extremely over-due, but I owe Katie major thanks because if it weren't for her showing me something online 2 years ago... None of this would have happened.
--
Went shopping with Mom today. She bought me the Wii for Christmas. Major yay. I didn't really expect anything huge from her, because for the past couple of years money has been tight around the house, especially during the holidays. And I only really asked for the Wii as a joke the other night, even though I knew having one would be tremendously awesome... but I guess she felt like being really really really nice. I'm not even gonna go into how much money she ended up spending. After that, we went to Wal-Marx and it was hellish. So. Many. People. Ugh. -headdesk- Everyone moving at the pace of snails, with no sense to the movement pattern. Basically, just a humongous cluster-fuck of retard shoppers and screaming babies. -headdeskheaddeskheaddesk- But! I did happen to get a pretty sweet knit-hat, which was pretty exciting. I mean it's nothing especially thrilling, but I've wanted one for a while. So that was nice.
Anyway... It's damn near 4 in the moring, and I should be asleep right now. Mom and I, along with Sam and NitNit are going to the Shamrock Christmas Tree farm in fucking Mattituck. -sigh- I have to be up by at least 9, so I can be ready for this extravaganza. Which should be somewhat fun... but still. Fuck that's early to be awake and attempting social interaction. (This coming from the one who wakes up at 5 on weekdays... heh) Anyway. I'll take pictures tomorrow and maybe post some when I write tomorrow.
Oh! And it snowed tonight. It was only supposed to be a half-inch... but you know how amazing the weather men are... Haha. It looks pretty. I'll take some pictures of the first real snow-fall too, tomorrow morning as we embark on our two-hour long journey to the tree-farm.
The Super Saiyan Zebra is pleased with her life at the moment.
-deafening applause-
Time to go catch some y's. :)
(Major celebration, mixed in with major anxiety.)
I'm thoroughly excited though.
--
Seriously, who would have thought after all this... that we'd be where we are now? I definitely didn't see it. Just, wow. That's all I really have to say. And this is extremely over-due, but I owe Katie major thanks because if it weren't for her showing me something online 2 years ago... None of this would have happened.
--
Went shopping with Mom today. She bought me the Wii for Christmas. Major yay. I didn't really expect anything huge from her, because for the past couple of years money has been tight around the house, especially during the holidays. And I only really asked for the Wii as a joke the other night, even though I knew having one would be tremendously awesome... but I guess she felt like being really really really nice. I'm not even gonna go into how much money she ended up spending. After that, we went to Wal-Marx and it was hellish. So. Many. People. Ugh. -headdesk- Everyone moving at the pace of snails, with no sense to the movement pattern. Basically, just a humongous cluster-fuck of retard shoppers and screaming babies. -headdeskheaddeskheaddesk- But! I did happen to get a pretty sweet knit-hat, which was pretty exciting. I mean it's nothing especially thrilling, but I've wanted one for a while. So that was nice.
Anyway... It's damn near 4 in the moring, and I should be asleep right now. Mom and I, along with Sam and NitNit are going to the Shamrock Christmas Tree farm in fucking Mattituck. -sigh- I have to be up by at least 9, so I can be ready for this extravaganza. Which should be somewhat fun... but still. Fuck that's early to be awake and attempting social interaction. (This coming from the one who wakes up at 5 on weekdays... heh) Anyway. I'll take pictures tomorrow and maybe post some when I write tomorrow.
Oh! And it snowed tonight. It was only supposed to be a half-inch... but you know how amazing the weather men are... Haha. It looks pretty. I'll take some pictures of the first real snow-fall too, tomorrow morning as we embark on our two-hour long journey to the tree-farm.
The Super Saiyan Zebra is pleased with her life at the moment.
-deafening applause-
Time to go catch some y's. :)
12/3/08
12/2/08
IMACORNBALL.
This is life, right? Things go well. Things go horribly. You feel good, eventually... you feel shitty again. But oh! Eventually, you feel good again. What I'm saying is that what goes up must come down; for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; and that when life gives you lemons... make some lemonchello and get drunk off your ass to ignore the pain. ...I'm kidding. The adage says to make some lemonade and get over it. You'll be fine. And I know, I'm really preaching to the choir with this one, but for as bad as I think I've got it sometimes... Well, fuck... I've got it pretty damn good.
Lately, I've been pretty down on myself. For whatever reason, I felt inadequate. I wasn't good enough, and I wasn't worth peoples time. I felt like I didn't deserve praise and like trying harder for it was an uphill battle because there would always be someone better than me at whatever it was I was trying to do. School felt tedious because I felt stupid and like it was a waste of my time to be there. I never really told anyone about anything because then I'd really be pathetic. Just bitching about my lame life made me lower than I already was. Why even bother?
So, as I hope you know, when your body is under a significant amount of stress... your body becomes taxed as well. Your immune system lets up it's guard. You're susceptible to getting sick... and I did. Oh, did I get sick. I mean, it wasn't anything life threatening, and it definitely wasn't the worst cold I've ever had... But the sickness and the stress just piled up on me and I did the only thing I could do. Sleep. I slept quite a bit. But as sick as I was feeling, I started to feel a little better because of the love I was getting from some pretty special people in my life. I seriously believe that if it weren't for Cory and Sam, I would probably STILL be sick.
The whole time I was sick, Sam would check up on me. See how I was feeling, see if I wanted to do anything, invited me and Nit to have dinner with her and Nort, dealt with me being a moody sick person. And as much as I want to beat the living shit out of her sometimes... I wouldn't be able to do half the shit I do without her. I've been through basically everything with this bitch, and I'm damn sure we'll always be up each other's asses. Couldn't ask for a better cousin. So yeah, if you end up reading this -- GOOSE LOVES YOU, FEETA!
And Cory. Well. I could go on and on about how amazing he is, and how much I love him for being him, and blah blah blah... but I'm just a zebra... And honestly, however long this blog lasts -- there will probably be about 600 more entries about just that. Because he is just that amazing, and --oh, damn. There I go again. Oops! :) Thing is, he deserves it, and doesn't realize that he does. Which is kind of a bummer, but I'm working on it! ANEHWAY, he deals with some crazy shit from me. (Including me being doped up on nyquil and alleging that I was a zebra for an entire hour before I passed out.) He's amazing, and I love him. Very much.
But yeah. The whole point of this long winded "rant" on absolutely nothing, is that why be down, when you have some amazing people around you? And the amazing-ness doesn't stop with Sam and Cory. I have got some other AMAZING friends. People that will support me, and make me feel good about myself no matter what. Sometimes, I lose sight of that... But they're always there for me -- when things are amazing, and especially when they're shitty. I mean... this is life, right? Yeah, and I've got it pretty damn good.
Okay, that was really gay. I've been reading too many Jodi Picoult books. :/
IN OTHER NEWS:
Cory's coming to stay with us after Christmas. I'm excited and terrified, because this means he's gonna have to meet at least SOME of my family. Fuuuck. Oh well. The excitement is overruling the terror, at least for now. Haha.
Kay, I'm done.
Lately, I've been pretty down on myself. For whatever reason, I felt inadequate. I wasn't good enough, and I wasn't worth peoples time. I felt like I didn't deserve praise and like trying harder for it was an uphill battle because there would always be someone better than me at whatever it was I was trying to do. School felt tedious because I felt stupid and like it was a waste of my time to be there. I never really told anyone about anything because then I'd really be pathetic. Just bitching about my lame life made me lower than I already was. Why even bother?
So, as I hope you know, when your body is under a significant amount of stress... your body becomes taxed as well. Your immune system lets up it's guard. You're susceptible to getting sick... and I did. Oh, did I get sick. I mean, it wasn't anything life threatening, and it definitely wasn't the worst cold I've ever had... But the sickness and the stress just piled up on me and I did the only thing I could do. Sleep. I slept quite a bit. But as sick as I was feeling, I started to feel a little better because of the love I was getting from some pretty special people in my life. I seriously believe that if it weren't for Cory and Sam, I would probably STILL be sick.
The whole time I was sick, Sam would check up on me. See how I was feeling, see if I wanted to do anything, invited me and Nit to have dinner with her and Nort, dealt with me being a moody sick person. And as much as I want to beat the living shit out of her sometimes... I wouldn't be able to do half the shit I do without her. I've been through basically everything with this bitch, and I'm damn sure we'll always be up each other's asses. Couldn't ask for a better cousin. So yeah, if you end up reading this -- GOOSE LOVES YOU, FEETA!
And Cory. Well. I could go on and on about how amazing he is, and how much I love him for being him, and blah blah blah... but I'm just a zebra... And honestly, however long this blog lasts -- there will probably be about 600 more entries about just that. Because he is just that amazing, and --oh, damn. There I go again. Oops! :) Thing is, he deserves it, and doesn't realize that he does. Which is kind of a bummer, but I'm working on it! ANEHWAY, he deals with some crazy shit from me. (Including me being doped up on nyquil and alleging that I was a zebra for an entire hour before I passed out.) He's amazing, and I love him. Very much.
But yeah. The whole point of this long winded "rant" on absolutely nothing, is that why be down, when you have some amazing people around you? And the amazing-ness doesn't stop with Sam and Cory. I have got some other AMAZING friends. People that will support me, and make me feel good about myself no matter what. Sometimes, I lose sight of that... But they're always there for me -- when things are amazing, and especially when they're shitty. I mean... this is life, right? Yeah, and I've got it pretty damn good.
Okay, that was really gay. I've been reading too many Jodi Picoult books. :/
IN OTHER NEWS:
Cory's coming to stay with us after Christmas. I'm excited and terrified, because this means he's gonna have to meet at least SOME of my family. Fuuuck. Oh well. The excitement is overruling the terror, at least for now. Haha.
Kay, I'm done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
